ANNOUNCER 1: Are you confused by all those look-alike, act-alike headache remedies? Well, don’t be! Now there’s VASCUPRIN One Thousand! VASCUPRIN One Thousand — Twice as powerful as the leading headache tablet. Contains the…
ANNOUNCER 2: Wait! Introducing the most powerful pain reliever you can buy — BUFFADRIN Two Thousand! Independent laboratory tests prove BUFFADRIN Two Thousand is twice as effective as VASCUPRIN One Thousand. Twice the pow…
ANNOUNCER 1: Stop! New improved VASCUPRIN Four Thousand is stronger than any other headache remedy. In fact, tests on laboratory rats suffering from migraine headaches show that VASCUPRIN Four Thousand is twice as strong as itself! Yes, for the maximum…
ANNOUNCER 2: Hold it! Here’s new BUFFADRIN Eight Thousand — a pain reliever so powerful, just two tablets provide up to one full month of headache relief!…
ANNOUNCER 1: Introducing all-new VASCUPRIN Sixteen Thousand — so potent, you don’t even have to swallow it! Just carry one tablet in your pocket for maximum protection…
ANNOUNCER 2: Now there’s BUFFADRIN Thirty-Two Thousand — so effective, each bottle contains only one tablet! That one tablet protects your entire family from headache, backache, earache, toothache, tummyache, pain in the neck, pain in the butt, royal pain, window pane, Thomas Paine, and payin’ the piper — for up to one full year! That’s…
ANNOUNCER 1: New improved VASCUPRIN Sixty-Four Thousand! So powerful, anaesthesiologists in major medical centers use just one tablet to prepare heart transplant patients for surgery…
ANNOUNCER 2: It’s BUFFADRIN One Hundred Twenty-Eight Thousand! So strong, tests show one-half tablet is sufficient to anaesthetize the entire city of Kalamazoo, Michigan and the surrounding metropolitan area!…
ANNOUNCER 1: VASCUPRIN Two Hundred Fifty-Six Thousand! So potent, it’s banned by the Geneva Convention!…
ANNOUNCER 2: Introducing BUFFADRIN Five Hundred Twelve Thousand! So powerful, only one tablet exists — Located in our warehouse in Carson City, Nevada, it protects the entire world from headache, muscle ache, and heartache!…
ANNOUNCER 1: Now there’s VASCUPRIN One Million Twenty-Four Thousand! So effective, it brings headache relief to an entire spiral arm of the galaxy!…
ANNOUNCER 2: All-new BUFFADRIN Two Million Forty-Eight Thousand! So strong, its stops headaches retroactively back to five million years BC!
ANNOUNCER 1: Nineteen entire planets were demolished to create VASCUPRIN Four Million Ninety-Six Thousand! So potent, it prevents all forms of pain, illness, suffering, and evil throughout the entire Universe from Big Bang to Heat Death, as well as the entire infinitude of alternate universes postulated by the Everett-Graham-Wheeler many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics!
(PAUSE)
ANNOUNCER 2: Well, shit, I can’t beat that.
ANNOUNCER 1: Nyaah-nya-nya-nyaah-nyaah!
ANNOUNCER 2: Aw, you stink!
ANNOUNCER 1: Sez you!
ANNOUNCER 2: So’s your old man!
ANNOUNCER 1: Go jump in the lake!
(FADING OUT)
ANNOUNCER 2: Make me!
ANNOUNCER 1: I don’t make trash, I burn it!
ANNOUNCER 2: Come here and say that!
(FADE OUT)
Journal of Doctroidal Research 