Scene: Bethlehem. A stable. Saturday night.
Mary: Coochie coochie coo!
Joseph: I think he has my nose.
Mary: He does not have your nose, dim bulb. He has God’s nose.
Joseph: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
[Three Wise Men enter]
Wise Man #1: Hey.
Wise Man #2: We’re wise men, travelling from the east.
Mary: You idiots, you’re not supposed to be here. Wise men in Bethlehem, that’s a popular misconception based on a misunderstanding of the Bible. Come around to Galilee in a couple three years.
Wise Man #1: Mmm, no, that’d be some other wise men, I think.
Wise Man #2: Mmm hmm, if they’re so wise, how come they’re not here by now? Ever think of that?
Wise Man #3: So anyway, where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star and have come to eat him.
Mary: Worship him, you mean.
Wise Man #3: No, eat him. Look. [He shows Mary the script.]
Wise Man #1: Hey, you got any collards? Or some brussels sprouts?
Wise Man #2: You know what’d go good with? Applesause. Mmm, Messiah and applesauce.
Mary: Look, you can’t eat the kid. The landlord said we could stay here in the stable but no cooking. There’s a Shoney’s down the road, we eat there.
Wise Man #3: Hey, I know. Messiah Tartare!
Wise Man #1: Works for me. I’ll get the meat grinder.
[Three huge shepherds enter.]
Shepherd #1: You wanted a meat grinder? [They beat the crap out of the wise men.]
Shepherd #2: No problemo. Hey, did these guys have any gold or frankincense? Myrrh I can live without.
Mary: No, I think that’s the other wise men. Galilee, couple three years from now.
Shepherd #2: Damn, so much for my Christmas shopping.
Joseph: Do I have any more lines?
Jesus: Don’t complain, I don’t get to say anything at all.
Mary: Shut up. You’re just a doll anyway.
Sheep: I was told I get to talk in this show.
Mary: You were told wrong.
[Enter Multitude of the Heavenly Host]
Angel: We heard there was applesauce.