A Christmas story

Scene: Bethlehem.  A stable.  Saturday night.

Mary: Coochie coochie coo!

Joseph: I think he has my nose.

Mary: He does not have your nose, dim bulb.  He has God’s nose.

Joseph: Oh, yeah, I forgot.

[Three Wise Men enter]

Wise Man #1: Hey.

Joseph: Bro.

Wise Man #2: We’re wise men, travelling from the east.

Mary: You idiots, you’re not supposed to be here.  Wise men in Bethlehem, that’s a popular misconception based on a misunderstanding of the Bible.  Come around to Galilee in a couple three years.

Wise Man #1: Mmm, no, that’d be some other wise men, I think.

Wise Man #2: Mmm hmm, if they’re so wise, how come they’re not here by now?  Ever think of that?

Wise Man #3: So anyway, where is he that is born King of the Jews? For we have seen his star and have come to eat him.

Mary: Worship him, you mean.

Wise Man #3: No, eat him.  Look.  [He shows Mary the script.]

Mary: Bugger.

Wise Man #1: Hey, you got any collards?  Or some brussels sprouts?

Wise Man #2: You know what’d go good with?  Applesause.  Mmm, Messiah and applesauce.

Mary: Look, you can’t eat the kid.  The landlord said we could stay here in the stable but no cooking.  There’s a Shoney’s down the road, we eat there.

Wise Man #3: Hey, I know.  Messiah Tartare!

Wise Man #1: Works for me.  I’ll get the meat grinder.

[Three huge shepherds enter.]

Shepherd #1: You wanted a meat grinder?  [They beat the crap out of the wise men.]

Mary: Thanks.

Shepherd #2: No problemo.  Hey, did these guys have any gold or frankincense?  Myrrh I can live without.

Mary: No, I think that’s the other wise men.  Galilee, couple three years from now.

Shepherd #2: Damn, so much for my Christmas shopping.

Joseph: Do I have any more lines?

Jesus: Don’t complain, I don’t get to say anything at all.

Mary: Shut up.  You’re just a doll anyway.

Sheep: I was told I get to talk in this show.

Mary: You were told wrong.

Sheep: Baah!

[Enter Multitude of the Heavenly Host]

Angel: We heard there was applesauce.

[Stable collapses]